Hormones, natures call..
These symptoms that I have noticed in my myself for a while now, started off very progressively, occasionally rearing their head a few days every month in the beginning, especially during ovulation, and now much more frequently…(dreams about children, a feeling of desiring a child, a more maternal instinct and attitude, feeling a need to give love, libido, taking the time to actually look at children and finding them cute)…ok so you’re probably thinking that it is not the end of the world and not too serious but it’s getting worse big time..
For several weeks now, these dreams and desires have transformed into a real “fixation” and this phenomenon has taken such a front seat in my life that “to reproduce” has become an obsession, that is constantly going round and round in my head, oblivious to my “lack of interest”, even my repellence for everything that is related to having a baby, ( I have nothing against children of course, but I have to admit that I am not really what you would call receptive towards these “ little things”, ergo my surprise…) And this feeling is so overpowering and strong, that I was this close to giving in, completely blinded by this strong desire that for all I know could disappear as suddenly as it appeared and then just be right back in my head the next day.. or weeks or even months later…. Great !
To manage this hormonal, physical and emotional rollercoaster, I received the help of my ostéo energetics specialist who knew all about this phenomenon and reassured me.. Yes my body is ready, and it is simply letting me know, but I am not obligated to respond. Just to take note of the message, to accept this passage, this stage without undergoing it, nor fighting against it. That would be futile because my body is simply following its «biological program “, its instinct as it did with periods, breathing etc But for a baby, it is me who gets to decide. Phew.. Having said that, even if this reassured me (for the moment anyway), these observations brought me to raise quite a lot of questions, in particular concerning what really urges us to have a baby.. The heart or the hormones? Instinct or love?
In short, do we make a baby because our education, our culture and our body clock tell us to? Or because we really do want one?
Loves fruit or nature instinct ?
When I look around me, many women already have at least 1, 2 or 3 children that they had a long time ago, at an age where I could only think of living, travelling, being free, fulfilling my dreams, in more of a ” where go I /who am I ” kind of mode, as opposed to being a full time mother (and it is always the case). All these girls are great moms, present and affectionate but are they as happy in all aspects of their lives, personal realization, work, relationships? It is not for me at all to judge, but I do pose the question especially about what pushes a girl without money, unemployed and sometimes without a husband or partner, or in a brand new relationship, or even in an unstable relationship, to have a baby voluntarily, while their situation does not necessarily allow it, and while they have so much more to learn, live, discover, starting first and foremost with themselves. Have they given up too fast to the hormones’ call, education, society ? Do they need to fill the void or do they really want a baby?
Too many people conceive a baby to fill the void, to make up for something missing in their life, to save their relationship or by obligation.. They become aware of it only years later .. Except that having a baby in these conditions is positive for nobody, and even less so for the baby itself, who didn’t ask to be brought into a world where he becomes the centre of the world to his parents, who then live for him or through him, and this just postpones or temporarily ignores the other problems, that still resurface at a later date. Having a baby does not save a relationship or a marriage, it does not make up for a lack of love, or compensate for a professional failure… A baby is one of life’s gifts, which we decide to welcome .. or not!
Contrary to what our culture teaches us, a child is not a purpose nor life’s goal, and there are one thousand and one other ways of managing our life, fulfilment, to pass on, to give love to others and to be happy.. Yes we have the right to not want a child.. Either to have it very late or very early or whenever we want actually.. The main part is to be happy in yourself and in your relationship.. I believe sincerely that we have the right to choose, and that it ok to develop other aspects of life first and to make the right decision for ourselves… While avoiding hormonal or educational influences, including the famous “they lived happy ever after with many children” not to mention social pressures which increase with age as much for men as for women “ So when’s it due?”
When I evoke the possibility of never having a child, I receive looks and words filled with incomprehension, judgment and sometimes even with contempt and pity.. Because it is necessary to recognize that making the conscious decision not to have a child is seen as a negative choice (same as having a baby early or late in life) I have difficulty understanding why but apparently, not to reproduce is considered as a failure, or as an exceptionally selfish choice.. And the sentence which always concludes this type of discussion is the famous ” it is a great pity “.. basically saying that I missed out because I didn’t have a child, but after all the story could also end like this “they lived happily ever after” the end.
They lived happily ever after with no children (but that’s ok..)
Personally I have not decided yet if I want a baby or not (I shall keep you posted lol) and even if my body demands it, I am still the master of my own choices and it is me who holds the reins (thank you my Clearblue contraceptive monitor). In short, I will take my time, mature and balance the pros and the cons, because this little life that is so amazing for some yet terrible for others, brings along so many life changes, and it is not a choice to be made lightly…
If I listen to the “for” or the baby lover speech (for whom a childless life is inconceivable), a baby is a bundle of joy, evolutions key that teaches us so much that it is well worth the sacrifice. It is daily enjoyment, a whirlwind of happiness that deeply transforms us and to whom we are bound for life blah blah blah .. Certainly ..
And for those that are against (for whom a life with a child is inconceivable), a baby is a tsunami that upsets our life and not in a good way. It can break up a couple, and takes everything from us, our energy, our time, our life .. and if we are not careful we forget ourselves… A child can also be a hindrance because we tend to make it the priority and come before everything else. Our ambitions, careers, relationships, peaceful nights sleep, last minute weekends away and other daily situations all take a back seat. Hello organisation, babysitters, changing bags filled with bottles, bibs and nappies for baba…… It is also a financial “abyss” that we must anticipate and come to terms with. How many people who had a baby without having the means found themselves working long hours and difficult jobs to make ends meet?
Both sides have their points I think, so it is really important to consider and reflect before making a life changing decision, because bringing life into the world is an amazing thing, but deciding not to can also be a responsible and well thought out decision too…
A baby is for life and involves great love, sacrifices and responsibilities …
Of course everyone is at liberty to make their own choices.. I am only trying to point at the importance of being attentive to the signs in our life, our body, and our heart so that we as women (a men also) have a baby because we really DO want one, and not by “obligation” due to hormones, social pressure, family, friends or simply for something to do in our life .. And let us not forget that it takes two people to create a baby.. It is also necessary to consider the desires and choices of our other half…
Some questions to ask yourself before taking the plunge (or not )
– The first question to ask yourself: Is it just my hormones talking? (If making a baby becomes a fixation then yes, it is most likely due to hormones, in this case breathe and let it go.) Or is it my heart? (And in this case it is right, peaceful and true so we should stick with it and pass onto the to the following questions)
– Am I in the right situation to have a baby? How do I feel in myself, in my life, and my relationship? Do I feel complete? If yes, then great. And if not, what can I do to rectify this situation both professionally and personally?
– Am I in a solid relationship? Am I with Mr right? If yes, do we both want a baby…or not? Are we on the same page and wavelength? If yes, then full steam ahead, if not, then it is time to talk about it and respect the choices and speed of each individual, in order for the other person not to feel obligated to have a baby…
– Am I trying to put a bandage on a wound, fill an empty space in my life or in my heart? If yes, only you can fill that void , the answer to our problems does not come from our partner, a baby or from anywhere else, the answer lies with us alone. It is up to us to find out what is missing in order to be happy, but a baby is not the answer in this case.. We can already begin by giving ourselves love, by working on our self-confidence, and the need for gratitude for example .. I put post-its in my bathroom with positive sentences such as “I like myself and I respect myself” to change my own confidence, and I also use Bach flowers which correspond with the current concern 😉
To finish this long blog, and if it is important to remember one thing it is that in life there is no obligation… A baby is, before everything else, loves fruit, so do not waste it…
Kisses
Shop the post :
Special thanks to one of my favorite boutique for babies @ le petit souk autour de l’enfant.. The perfect place where you’ll find anything you need to spoil the little ones or to decorate the kid’s room => You can buy all the cute baby stuff of the post either online or in one of their boutiques located in Paris, Bordeaux, Lille, Rouen, Lyon, Rennes et Aix-en-Provence,Tours, Montpellier etc… Pure cuteness 😉
Photos @Peter Soubbotnik
Translation @Natalya Paupe
